That One Friend Who Believes in Horoscopes

– Your horoscope for the next few minutes, "You will laugh tremendously, "and then click Subscribe" (unicorn neighing) What up, everyone, it's your girl, Superwoman, and the other day, I was having a conversation with my friend and they hit me with the question

– I don't know, anyways, it threw me off a little bit, but I try not to take it personally You know, life goes on – Wait, what's your zodiac sign? – (groans) Rolling my eyes so hard All my eyes are rolling, my username is no longer IISuperwomanII, okay, it's !!Superwoman!!, why? Whenever I hear this question, I already know how the rest of the convo's gonna go because it never just stops at one question (clears throat) I'm a Libra

– Makes sense What time were you born? – I'm not really sure – Like, was it morning or night? – I don't know, night, I think – Totally, I see that What's your moon sign? – My what? Am I the crazy person? Like, do normal people know their moon sign, they just know it, like, should I be embarrassed because, straight up, I don't know nothing, okay, I'm the type of person that's filling out an application form and I still gotta call my mom, like, "Yo mom, do I have a social security number? "And if so, what is it?" And you expect me to know my moon sign? Like, what are you expecting me to say? – Your moon sign? – Oh, my moon sign? (laughs) ♪ Sailor Venus ♪ ♪ Sailor Mercury ♪ ♪ Sailor Mars ♪ ♪ Sailor Jupiter ♪ ♪ With secret powers, all so new to her ♪ ♪ She is the one named Sailor Moon ♪ Here's the thing though, right, I'm not trying to hate on people's beliefs, like, I believe that Oompa Loompas actually exist, I ain't judging, but I just think it's important to recognize that horoscopes are very vague and it's easy to just apply them to whatever is happening in your life

Dude, you don't actually believe in horoscopes, do you? Like, you know they're just placebo, right? – It's not, trust me Look, watch, read me my horoscope I'm a Cancer – Okay (clears throat) Okay, Cancer

"Older relatives have some romantic advice "over the weekend", okay, "so do them the courtesy "of listening to their stories" Sounds like every weekend with an Indian family – Oh my God, no, that totally happened to me this weekend, with my grandma – You can't give 50% in a relationship – What, you can't? Dammit

Also, wait Oh my God, that was actually the horoscope for Leo, not Cancer – Oh, yeah, no, that makes sense I just remembered that wasn't my grandma and it wasn't about relationships – I can give you 50% because it's damaged

– To be fair, that's what I said in my last relationship Not to mention that some horoscopes aren't even predictions, or, like, things to pay attention to They're just sentences, they're just like, "Oh, Sagittarius, things may be larger than they seem" Like, oh my God, really, larger than they– My side mirror of my car figured that out years ago Or, your horoscope just predicts super common things that happen every single day

Okay, Cancer "You're in a hurry to take things "to the next level when you meet someone "you really like over the weekend" – (gasps) Oh my God, pizza guy – What guy? – I met a guy that works at this delivery place over the weekend – Like, you mean in a bar? – No, at my house

Like, he delivered my pizza, but there was something special there Wait, read yours – Okay, I don't know if I can compete with the romance of the pizza guy, but (clears throat) Okay, Libra "Today, you will go beyond limits" Wow, deep Yeah, apparently my zodiac sign is Tumblr And, yo, straight up, I'm pretty good at being open-minded

I feel like you can believe in whatever you wanna believe in, as long as it doesn't personally affect me or the well-being of other people Here's the thing, though, okay, people who believe in horoscopes, they start saying things like this – Sorry, I'm kinda feeling under the weather Mercury's in retrograde, you know? I'll be right back – Wait, what about Gatorade? Oh, okay, so Mercury is a valid excuse now, right, for why you're not, oh, it's not the 10 shots I saw you take at the bar last night

Yeah, it's Mercury Like, can you imagine being able to use the solar system as a valid excuse? (police siren blares) I'm so sorry, officer, I didn't realize how fast I was going because one of Saturn's rings is tilted Babe, babe, listen to me, I only cheated on you because Pluto got kicked out Okay, well I didn't refill the milk because I was lazy Wait, what's the joke again? And whenever you talk to people that believe in horoscopes, they believe, they truly believe they know exactly how you are and why, based on where the planets were when you were born

And they say things like, "Oh my God, "you're such a Scorpio," and I'm like, "No, I'm just bold and have a lot of opinions" "Yeah, because you're a Scorpio" "Uh, no, not because I'm a Scorpio, "because F the patriarchy" They also have all these ideas about who's gonna get along with who – All of my friends are Virgos and Libras, so we're gonna get along great

– Yay me – And all of my exes are Scorpios – Oh, really? All of my exes are snakes – That's not a zodiac sign – I know

– Lilly, this stuff is real Look, when you were born, the– – [Man] Kelly, is that you? – Oh my God, hi Zack – Hi, Zack Who's Zack? – It's the delivery guy – Extra large cheese pizza with mushrooms and garlic dipping sauce

– You are kidding me – I know this is moving a little fast, but do you wanna hang out later? – Yeah, I'd love that – You know how to reach me – Yeah, Postmates Okay, see you later

See? Horoscopes are totally real – Okay, you cannot be serious, that was just some freak, weird coincidence– (cell phone dings) One second So, how do I figure out my moon sign? What, okay listen, I just like to know all the facts before I make a decision to believe something, okay? I'm such a Libra So, how do I figure out my moon sign? – [Kelly] I am so glad you asked Okay, first you align your chakras 'cause you just wanna be in, like, a good place, you know? – Oh my God, so first, you sacrifice a goat

– Right, yeah – Okay – [Kelly] And then, you tie it up, and then untie it – I think the key is you have to have a lot of crystals – [Kelly] Yeah, you just surround yourself with crystals, and then you just feel the answer, you know? (laughing) Read me my horoscope

I'm a Cancer – Well, my mom is FaceTiming right now, so I can't Hi mom, we're shooting a video Now you're in it, say hi – [Mom] You're always busy

– I know, I know, you should be so proud Babe, I only cheated on you because Pluto got kicked out, and also, if you just bought me more merch from LillySinghcom, we wouldn't be having this fight (laughing) I'm so sorry, officer, can you let me off with a warning? – [Officer] Yes – Don't come for me if you believe in zodi, don't voodoo me, okay? If you believe in zodiac signs, comment below, letting me know if you do or don't, and what your sign is

You can check out my last video right over there, the second vlog channel's right there, and make sure you subscribe because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday One love, Superwoman, that is a wrap, and zoop

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.