If Santa Was a Jerk (ft. The Kids of Stranger Things)

(Christmas music) ♫ You better watch out ♫ You better not cry ♫ You better not pout I'm telling you why ♫ Santa Claus is coming (recording scratching) – It was really nice of you to let those kids visit the workshop Those mall Santas are so weird

– I only did it to get parole – I still don't know why you thought buying a 12 pack of beer for a 10 year old was a good gift – Okay listen, Billy wanted confidence, okay? It was either beer or plastic surgery Beer was easier to get down the chimney, okay? – And less expensive Cheapo

Okay Can you just try not to be such a Grinch today? – Okay, I'll not to be such a Grinch, could you try not to be yourself? Because I hate your personality If a had a genie, I would use all three wishes to change you, ho ho ho Hey hey hey, Santa's here everyone It's $10 for pictures and $5 for Snapchats

Oh, and $2 extra when you put that stupid flower crown on my head, okay? (groans) Yo squirt, what's your name? – Noah – Nice to meet you, Timmy What do you want for Christmas? – All I want is for my mom and dad to get back together – Well Timmy, Santa can't give that to you, okay? Because daddy cheated on mommy – It's Noah, and what do you mean? – Daddy had too many side ho ho hos, and that's what I mean

– But they said it was because they were better as friends – Everything's gonna be okay – That's because daddy has too many friends with benefits – Santa is not a perv Only sometimes

– But you know what's most important? – That it's not my fault? – Oh no, Timmy, you definitely made things way worse What's important is that you get this free candy cane! – Santa likes gin A lot – Take it, take it! – I think maybe Santa should go to AA But we haven't really had time to talk about it

– Take it! Thatta boy, Timmy – Noah, look over here baby Let's get a good happy picture Noah! Smile for the camera or else mommy's gonna be very upset – I don't wanna smile! – Be a happy boy right now! (Noah groaning) – You have to Timmy

Okay, look at your mom, look at her She needs this – Smile or I'm gonna take your Xbox away – If you don't smile for this picture, mommy's gonna have a mental breakdown and need more of those happy pills – We flew to the North Pole for this! – Your mother needs to take this picture and post it on Facebook because she seeks validation from strangers in order to feel like a good mother

Why can't you give that to her? – She doesn't need validation! – Oh, before I forget, could I get this validated? – Wha? (camera clicking) – Hey, one more thing Timmy – What? – If you're naughty, I'm gonna call that monster to steal you again and you'll be communicating through the lights Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! Who's next? (Noah crying) – You didn't smile (Christmas music) – Very jolly There's someone here in the break room to see you

– Hey, almost as jolly as your mother when I show her my south pole – Ugh, thank god I'm Jewish – Ugh, not you again Listen Jaden Smith, I already told you everything is fine with the workshop It's the happiest place on earth

– It's Caleb And on that note, Disney Land is filing a lawsuit – God dammit Mickey You hit on Minnie one time – I did a quick walkthrough and already found some major violations

– What, stop it! Listen, everything is fine, okay? I'm making kids laugh and smile over here – I hate you for needing validation! – There's about 400 minors working in your workshop – You mean elves? – You only feed them candy canes, they hate their uniforms and they're suffering from severe paper cuts – Listen, it was either Oompa Loompa or elves for those shorties okay? And let's be real, Willy Wonka's a freak He literally attracts kids with candy

– Let's talk bout these reindeer Does PETA know about this? – What do you mean? They're completely healthy and happy! Look at 'em! – Okay, look This one has a red nose and is clearly sick – Okay whoa, listen here buddy Whatever Rudolph does in spare time is his business

– How have you been monitoring these kids to see if they're naughty or nice? – GoPros – Do you even have a permit on these GoPros? – Santa is rich and white Isn't my privilege enough? – I also see here that you requested an Uber sleigh, on Christmas Eve? You know Uber's banned here? – What? Why! – The taxi drivers are protesting – Okay, listen, those idiots never offer me water and gum (phone buzzing) Hold on one second

(phone buzzing) And by the way, you know Cupid literally shoots people, where's his audit? Hello? – Ah, yes, Santa? I'm calling because Lilly not drinking her milk and she been naughty I don't think you should get her any gift – Okay listen, you parents need to learn how to discipline your own children, okay? Okay listen Jaden, take these okay, and let's pretend like none of this ever happened, huh (sighs) Alright, let's get on with it – Hey, while you were in there some crazy bald kid ran in here and stole all your Eggos

– Dammit! Did you tell him to L'Eggo My Eggos? – Nah, I think it would do you some good to lay off the Eggos for a bit Fatty – Oh yeah, you know, I think they needed you in the mail room actually – Why? – Some kid wanted a bride of Chucky doll for Christmas They wanted to send you

Boop – How is it you can travel around the entire world in one night but you can't make it to the gym even once? – Hmm, you see, I go to hundreds of houses a night because I'm Santa, what's your excuse? – So you don't like to give presents to naughty people, I do and I sleigh – No actually I sleigh, okay? You just give more rides than a sleigh – Okay big talk for someone who isn't even real – You know what is real? Acne, menopause, unemployment, all things you're about to experience, okay? Now get back to work

I think Prancer took a dump with your name on it – Oh go blow it up your chimney – Peace out Well, I'm done for the day Yeah, the Easter Bunny's having a house party and Mrs

Claus is staying at her sisters, (laughs) time to get me some Tooth Fairy! Merry Christmas! – What up everyone, it's your boy Noah Thanks so much Lilly for having us on our channel, we had a blast If you wanna check out her last collab, it's right over there If you wanna check out the bloopers, it's right over there And make sure to follow us all

The link will be in the description So make sure to subscribe to her because she makes new videos every Mondays and Thursdays One love Superwoman, that is a wrap and zoop

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