I Tried Dating Apps for the First Time… (UNEDITED RANT)

(horse trotting, neighing) (throat clearing) – See now, I don't usually make videos like this, but the thing is I've lied to you all And today I want to address that lie

Straight up I'mma just sit here, have a beer I say beer but really I mean a hard cider because your girl ain't that hard And I just wanna tell you that I lied to you and talk to you because of the nonsense that happened this weekend The experience I had What the hell, this is so hard to open

Okay, I'm a gangster (cap clatters) Basically I've made many videos about dating apps I've made many sketches, many skits, being like, yo, you know I was on Tinder Haha, a dating app, I'm so relatable I have never used a dating app

I swear to God, never, until this weekend And it was so funny to me (laughs) Like, it was funny to such an extent where I'm like I don't care what type of video standard my channel has I need to make a video about this because it's goddamn hilarious to me, and hopefully you can relate So whether you've used dating apps or not, this was my experience using dating apps

First of all, I start with the basics, right I download Tinder, I download Bumble Already I'm peeing I'm like I can't believe that I'm doing this right now But in the safety of my home I was like, nobody knows what I'm doing

For all they know I could be Googling something real smart No, I don't care So I download these apps, and right off the bat, the first thing I Google, how to lie on dating apps Because let's be real I am not trying to get murdered

It's obviously a little bit difficult being me on a dating app as well, because like, a fan might recognize me, I don't know, someone in the industry might recognize me So (mumbles) how do I lie on this dating app, okay I upload a picture of Scarbro, because I'm like, okay, listen, I don't wanna put my face I'm gonna put a picture of my dog Who is really gonna care? If I was swiping and I saw a dog I'd be like, okay, this person's obviously super cool

So let me swipe on this, 'kay Technology is apparently too smart for this (laughs) In the world of dating apps, which I was shook off the bat It's like, are you sure this is a picture of you? And I was like, excuse me? So I was like, okay, fine I took off the picture of my dog

I upload a picture of me with my hair open, and the technology is still like, we know this is your hairy dog (laughs) I'm kidding, that didn't happen but how funny would that be? Long story short, I upload a picture of myself I'm like, fine, I'll put my real picture It's fine, I put it up and then I start the process of swiping, okay Like can I just tell you, I could not believe the tomfoolery (laughs) on these apps

Like, I'm sure these jokes have been said before, but I guess I just didn't actually believe that this existed until I went into these apps I thought it was all a joke I thought it was all one big joke and we're like, we're just making fun of it But it's not actually that wack But yo, it's actually that wack

Like it's that First of all, there is people on these dating apps that actually use the Snapchat filters as their profile picture Like, like, take this in They're not even trying to lie You know, me like when I Facetune my face, I'm like, okay, let's get rid of some of these ridges, like

You always Facetune a little too much, and you're like oh now I don't have a jawline, let me erase it You at least try to make it seem like this could be me, like if I went out and I sat at like a well lit cafe, this could be me, huh, you know what I mean? This person is not even trying! (laughs) They're not even trying to hide the lie You swipe, puppy ears, puppy nose, and I'm just like Is that what you look like in real life? How is that allowed on a dating app? I just don't under People have their eyeballs this big and their mouth this small and I'm just like this, this is not a picture of you

(laughs) I find this so funny, I'm sorry I took one sip of a beer and your girl acting up, but I just find this so gaddamn funny because it's like you not even trying to hide the fact that you a liar And then on top of that, you read people's bios okay (throat clearing) I read one bio, I swear to God, it was oh, we are funny, easygoing, sexy, fit, giving, loving, caring, humble, and I'm just like oh you forgot liar! You forgot that you a liar! How are you? Who the hell is loving, sexy and then humble all at the same time? You know what you sound like, you sound like you're at a job interview, you know when you's in a job interview and you're like yeah no, I have IT experience And you like really, I fixed a printer one time

I did fix that printer that one time, like how are you using all of these adjectives and the, you know what the, you know what, hold up Don't even get me started, you know what the buzz adjective is on Tinder? Adventurous Everybody's like I love adventure I'm adventurous, and I'm just like if you love adventure so much, why the hell you trying to find a date on a screen on Bumble and why the hell aren't you finding a date while you kayaking? Or hiking? Or on top of Mount goddamn Everest, why are you being adventurous on Bumble? Every profile, just, adventurous! I'm like okay, stop trying to make adventurous a thing, it's not gonna be a thing, okay It was just, I couldn't

I couldn't even deal And then on top of that, living in LA, is a special type of nonsense on dating apps, because obviously it finds people within the radius, so all the people I was like looking at were all LA people, and can I just say, the biggest bunch of hippies that ever did live (laughs) It was like, interests: aligning my chakras, I swear to God, I swear to One, it was a girl, one girl was like, oh my interests include deeper human connection And I'm like, so

so you's on Tinder Like Iwhat do you mean? How is your interest deeper human connection? (laughs) And I swear to God, if I see another white girl with an Om tattoo, if I had a dollar for every white girl with an Om tattoo, I would be richer than I currently am And that is not a dig, it is just a trend in LA, God bless you, I hope Om has done all types of wonders for you, but it just seems to be a trend Every person I swiped on had an Om tattoo somewhere, or a Namaste, or a Namaslay, or a something or other, and I'm just like we really out here in LA, we are really really out here Another bad thing (laughs) about the radius thing, there I am, scrolling through, minding my damn business in my safe little bubble, okay

And what do I see? I see a friend A familiar effing face pop up on my feed, and I was like I swear, I took my iPhone and I threw it across the goddamn, I threw my iPhone 10 it turned into 2 iPhone 5's, I swear to God, I was shook, like I don't want to see that I don't want to see people I know in the real world, in my dating app, because hello! Hello! I'm on this dating app because I'm a sad, embarrassed person, and I want to be in this safe bubble of not real life And you in my real life cannot enter this sphere, I swear to God, I was swiping, as soon as I saw his face, I was like (screams) (laughs) I was shook, I was shook, and disgusted, because I'm like how dare you, real person, enter my beautiful fake world

Not to mention (laughs) I must sound like such a douchebag right now Cause I'm complaining And I'm just, cause this was genuinely my first experience, like these are all the things I thought of, because I was like, I didn't know this happened, so if I sound like a douche, I don't mean to Dating apps are lovely

Okay disclaimer, disclaimer, dating apps are lovely, many people I know met each other on dating apps I will probably also meet someone on a dating app, it's fine But it's my first experience, I was also shocked that people use such low resolution pictures! I'm like, you telling me in 2019, you out here posting a picture that looks like it was taken on Atari, okay? (laughs) And you, that's your best foot forward? I am offended (laughs) Offended that you feel that this is your best And I just turned into a life coach, I'm like you can do better than this

And my production hat just comes on, and then I start being a businessperson, I'm like, so let me get this straight, you want to use a horizontal picture on a vertical platform? Are you trying to get a date? You need to do better, okay? Do better! I cannot Because what are you telling people? What you're telling me is that our relationship is gonna be the same quality as this picture, okay? 240p And ain't nobody got time for dat Hell mother effing no On top of that, how was I not allowed to upload a picture of my dog when people here have a plate of food and like they're in the corner

I get it, maybe you don't want to show your face, maybe whatever, but like, I just, am I on Tinder? Or am I on Postmates? Like, the pasta's a 10 No one's arguing the pasta's a 10 But what is you? Okay, which, you know, I'm gonna conclude this by saying dating apps to begin with are effed up because you're literally judging people on a picture You're like hot, I don't know nothing about his personality but hot, not hot, so no I'm not doing it

I tried it I'm not doing it again, because it's so superficial If you want to date me, okay, you will meet me in real life and you will approach me and you will give me your phone number Like a real human So that I can go home, and text you from the safety of my couch

(laughs) (bangs) I don't know, I just, I know I don't make videos like this, I just wanted, I thought it was so funny, I hope you enjoyed this video Scarbro! Stop playing with that, like the whole video Scarbro's been over there like on the wire You best not break the If you liked this video, make sure you subscribe One love, Lilly, that is a wrap, and zoop!

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