DO ALL AIRLINES SUCK?!

– I've built a tripod out of seven unstable things ♫ Where in the world is Superwoman today ♫ New York City again, ow! And sleepy A

F (horse whinnies) What up everyone, it's your girl Superwoman! And yes, my face is all did Why? Because I just shot for The Daily Show, but we'll talk about that later And yo, this took two hours so, like don't get used to it First, let's talk about travel, because I do that a lot

And I feel like no matter which airline I take, I go crazy because all airlines seem to suck Is it just me, or are airlines the devil? Like, will the good airline please stand up? Now for me, finding a good airline is like finding a straight man at a Britney Spears concert Okay, it's unlikely, because they'll get your hopes up and then they'll drop the whole, ♫ Oops! I did it again ♫ I played with your heart ♫ Storytime! Now you already know I dislike one particular airline that shall remain unnamed, okay? The freaking Voldemort freaking airlines, that's right Okay, rhymes with "Air Panada" So I won't even go there, I won't even discuss that But recently, aka two days ago, I was flying from Trinidad back to LA, and I flew with an airline called Spirit Air

I know, right? Like the effing Tumblr of airlines I'm like, "Ok! This is gonna be great!" So I had wonderful expectations okay, because I'm like, "Uh, hello, who doesn't like spirit?" And it was a connecting flight so I had to do that annoying thing where you have to collect your baggage You know, I don't like when people say collect "You gotta collect your bags," why do people say that? Sounds like some sad hobby, like you're collecting bags Honestly, it's just like a fancy word

I dislike when people say collecting things Oh my God, I'm a douchebag Makeup has changed me Get, I had to get my bag and re-check it in because I was going through US

Customs So I have my suitcase I'm gonna check-in and my friend has his carry-on Get this, this airline charges $55 to take a carry-on onto the plane and $50 to check a massive suitcase What is the logic?! First of all, I've never even heard of having to pay for a carry-on bag, but for it to be more expensive than a large checked suitcase, I just don't even get it Qu'est-ce que what? Honestly, this is the same stupid logic when you buy women's clothes

The less material used, the more expensive The more chances of a nip-slip, the more you pay Who makes these decisions?! So we're tired, we're annoyed, we wanna get home So we reluctantly pay these baggage fees And then I put my bag on the scale to weigh it, and I know it's gonna be fine because I just got off this first flight, and I know it's 50 on the dot

It's gonna be amazing I'm golden I'm basically a freaking genius And you know what this lady says to me? Imma tell you right now what she says to me This lady's all up in the place like, "Yeah, it's overweight by 10 pounds, we only allow 40" And I'm like, "Ex-squeeze me? " You allow 40, because every other airline on this planet "and probably Neptune, allows 50

" 50 pounds, 23 kgs, that is the standard I've traveled every airline, never have I heard differently It's like you're intentionally screwing people over because you know that these are connecting flights and the first airline, which was cooler, and hotter, and had a better booty than your airline did not charge me for this bag And now you all up in here like 40 pounds is the limit? You know my bag ain't 40 pounds, you know I overpack You know I pack for every possible scenario

I don't care if I packed for a tropical climate, you know I packed my snowpants Just in case! So I'm like, "Bro, are you for real?" And she's like, "Yeah, 40's the limit for safety reasons'" And here's the thing right, I feel like when any airline tells you about baggage weight, they always have all of these valid reasons "Oh my God, I'm so sorry "According to the union, "our staff can't carry anything over 40 pounds

"It affects the balance of the plane "Our staff members are all hunchbacks from Notre Dame "We just ran out of Spirit Juice" And then suddenly, paying an extra fee gets rid of all of these reasons "Oh, our staff isn't allowed to carry anything "over 40 pounds for safety reasons, "unless you pay an additional fee of $25

" Like, that's how much your spine is worth, okay? All those vertebraes, all those lumbar things you got going on You know that part of biology you failed in? All that, that's $25! You are a valued employee Or you know what? (sniffs) What's that I smell? Oh, the whole thing is BS Also, did I leave food in my room? I think I left food in my room, goddamnit

At this point, I'm straight up annoyed I'm like, "You know what? Here, take $130 "Take my first-born child, Rumplestiltskin "Take everything, take my bloody watch" Look, I don't have watch, you know why? Because they bloody take it

Cut off some of my hair, give you that And then after paying my life savings, okay I look up to see this airline slogan that reads, and I quote, "Save more Spend less" And I'm just like, "Girl, where?" Where is this saving you speak of? There's no saving

I didn't see no saving! You see savings? I see no savings, because there's no saving up in here This airline is mother-effing Mufasa Nothing is being saved Simba is crying I'm gonna be real with you, okay? I don't mind spending money on things that make sense

Like all the things celebrities convince me to buy But baggage fees? Nah And it's not just this airline Okay, I'm not trying to blast this one airline, okay? I've already done that before Been there, done that

But I feel like these days, all airlines charge you for ridiculous things This flight didn't have complimentary drinks or snacks In fact, you had to pay for water Water! I would rather watch The Notebook five effing times and collect my Get? Gather my tears in a cup, okay, and drink that, than pay $5 for your devil water Oh, but I can't do that though! Because there's no screens on this plane, there's no movies, there's no USB ports, there's no blankets, there's no soul, this plane has no soul Oh my God Oh my God

Kevin Hart would be disgusted And thank God nothing went wrong because I feel like if we had any type of serious turbulence and those oxygen masks had to come down, there would be a little lock over the mouthpiece like, "Swipe your credit card for air" And you know me, I'm cheap and stubborn I'll read that and be like, "mm-mmm" (inhales) Trying to pull a mother-effing David Blaine

Okay, I'll take my chances Ok woah, that made me dizzy That made me, I need to get more oxygen Ok, we're good And can we be real? Can we be real? It's so strange how airlines charge you for everything, but when the airline effs up, it's a totally different story

I've had flights delayed for hours and hours, and I've had airlines lose/break my baggage And you know what the most I've gotten is? Let me tell you, a $75 voucher Now, explain to me how a $75 voucher for a $900 horrible flight is going to make up for anything? Can you, can you tell me, Mr Stupid Airline, which one of your flights cost $75 for me to book with your crappy airline again? Where am I flying for $75? I can't even fly from freaking Park Place to Boardwalk with $75 I can't even pass GO and collect $200

Why am I collecting $200 Honestly, I am never saying the word "collect" again I hate it, I hate the word Get $200 $75 voucher, yeah, the next time I go check my mail I'll take a flight down my driveway with your $75 voucher

Can't even buy the wi-fi on your plane with this voucher because the wi-fi is so expensive And here's the thing about the wi-fi as well It's like, "Here, pay so much money for our wi-fi, "except you can't do anything "We don't let you stream or watch videos "or transfer large files, or really do anything fun "But if you pay this large sum of money "for this crappy wi-fi we'll go send "a raven to go fetch your emails

" (laughs) You bloody stupid! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed that video Please give it a thumbs up Comment below letting me know about all your experiences What's your favorite airline? What are your horror stories? Let me know because I wanna know this information, I travel so much Also, yes I was on The Daily Show today

It's already aired in Eastern Standard TIme, but Pacific Standard Time, literally if you watch this video maybe in like, an hour Oh, I don't have a watch, I gave it to Spirit Air But at 11pm, Pacific Standard Time today, in case you're watching this as soon as it comes out

You can watch me on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah What up t-shirt reference, heeeey! Tomorrow I will also be on The Today Show Which is very, very exciting So many exciting things going on If you wanna check out my last video, it is right there

You can check out my vlog right there And yo, make sure you subscribe because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday One love, Superwoman! That is a wrap, and zoop! I'm so tired (snores)

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