Best Friends We’ve All Had

– Number one, pizza (horse neighing) (hooves clomping) (electronic sparkling) (bubble popping) What up everyone? It's your girl, Superwoman

That's sick, wah! And we've all experienced three things throughout our life Number one, puberty Mommy, Mommy, there's a carpet on my pee pee Number two, best friends Mommy, Mommy, can I sleep over at Ashley's house? Number three, dysfunctional families

Daddy, Daddy, where are you? Just kidding! (laughing) Yeah, no I never had a best friend named Ashley Through life, you most likely experienced or will experience the following best friends Number one, the Wayback Playback, fricka fricka This person has been your friend since time, okay? You've known them since grade five and they've seen you grow into the hot mess you've become Y'all got your periods together, okay? Y'all learned about sex education together, y'all went to the mall together for the first time without parental supervision

And if you're Indian, that was when you were 24 Now that you're older, you don't chill all the time, but when you do, they make themselves right at home, and they know your family They come over once every three months, open your fridge without hesitation They call your Mom, Mom and they help you look for your Dad And they know you better than anybody else, so all those times you try to front like you're a better person than you actually are, they call your ish out like this

Yeah, I'm not the jealous type I never get jealous Oh my god, you're like totally right, I've like never seen you jealous Girl, remember that time your first boyfriend hugged his Mom in front of you and you put him up for adoption? (laughing) Like, boop (snapping) I don't care what day of the week it is, I will TBT your ish so fast

Excuse me, how dare you not double tap? Thank you And even though you don't talk every day, you'll still ride or die for this friend, okay? You got their back If anybody messes with them it's like straight up– ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt) What up, t-shirt reference? Zing, zing! Then number two, the Adulting Friend Now this is the friend you made in your adult life, somehow, even through school or your career, or you, whatever adults do I don't know, at Home Depot or something

I'm not there yet Y'all are trying to figure out life together and your friendship is based on these types of questions How do we do our jobs? What the F are taxes? What is commitment? Is this a mid-life crisis? Have I drank enough water today? You old! Also, no, my piss was neon yellow Y'all don't party together, okay? Y'all go to Ikea together Adult AF, and you probably spend a lot of your time with these new Adulting Friends, so secretly your Wayback Playback Friends hate this new friend

Your old friend is just like, "Yo, get the F out of here "What you've known Lilly since what, 2014? "Yeah, the only time you've ever known her is "when she's had two eyebrows, okay? "I've known her since she's had one, okay? "Back in the day when she didn't effing know "how to put on her pants straight, okay? "Get the F out of here talking about Lilly and friendship (spitting) "Yeah" (laughing) Too real, too real, it got too real, okay Number three, the One Who Cannot Be Named

Now chances are when you were in either high school or university or something similar to that, you had a best friend and you two were inseparable Y'all got in trouble together, you know what I mean? Drank together, skipped class together Is that true? You should be ashamed of yourself Auntie, look Both of you timed your washroom breaks during class so you could meet up for five minutes

Probably had matching bracelets, you know, nicknames, best friends for life and then she made out with your boyfriend and your life lost all meaning Something happened and you stopped being friends and you had to mourn for a full month You were just straight up listening to Adele on repeat, or if you're older, then Aaliyah ("Miss You" by Aaliyah) Here we go, higher (singing) You don't know who Aaliyah is? Google it! You straight up buried that friendship under a pile of subtweets and indirect Facebook statuses, just like, "Isn't it funny when people just stab you in the back?" You know, I hate when people start sentences with, "Isn't it funny," because clearly, it's not funny

Clearly you're hurt and you're salty, okay? I know when things are unfunny Trust me, that's why I don't watch my videos You went on a cleanse from this person, okay? This person emotionally scarred you This person turned you into a goddamn Targaryen because now you're in a room, looking at all these collages with her face in it and you're just like– ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt) What up, t-shirt reference number two? Number four, the Boyfriend Now when you reach a certain age, you're going to start saying ridiculous things like, "My boyfriend is my best friend

" You know who's your goddamn best friend? The person you complain to when your stupid boyfriend messes up That's your best friend, okay? Girl, listen, I know you're horny and he got the equipment, okay, but if you still shaving for your boyfriend, he is not your best friend 'Cause girl, you come over to my house, your legs be prickly as F I can see your leg hair through your pants, okay? I am your best friend Straight up, has that ever happened to you? On a separate note, you wear tights 'cause you're like, "I don't have to shave

"I didn't shave today," and then through your tights your hair's just like The day he sees you as ugly and ratchet and petty as I have, I'll think about it The day my camera roll isn't full of screenshots from your text conversations with him, I'll think about it The day you tell me that he's seen your ugly, granny, period panties that you could basically use as a parachute, I'll take you seriously Until then, he's not your BFF

Okay, get the F out of here He's just your BF (snapping) You see what I did there? Oh, I'm so smart Number five, the Mirror As you grow older, you will 100 percent go through some sort of revelation or major heartache that leaves you with the realization that everyone else is trash and you're actually your own best friend

You know, it hits you like a wave, just like, "Oh my god, I am the person I've been looking for all along "I am Waldo" You'll just be walking around like a Tumblr post like– ("Me, Myself and I" by Beyonce) You have new purpose in life, you love yourself, you talk to yourself, you watch movies alone, you're enlightened, you're reborn, you're in a mother-f-ing Sia music video and doing the five movements from the OA, just like– ("Alive" by Sia) Number six, Baby Bestie Now if or when you get old and delusional enough to have kids, you start saying crazy things like, "My kid is my best friend" And to you and your hormones, I say, "Are you dumb? "Are you dumb, are you dumb? "Did the epidural just never fade away? "You just gonna stay high for the rest of your life?" Just calm down, moms, don't get mad at me, okay? Just let, we're still friends

I still need you to pre-order my book for your kids, so just stay right there You clean their crap Okay, they puke on you That's gross Although, you know, to be fair, I guess your best friend in college probably also puked on you a few times, you know? Huh, interesting

("Circle of Life" by Elton Jon and Tim Rice) You thought I was gonna stop there, but I didn't, huh? (singing) Staircase (singing) I'm done But hear me when I say that your best friend should not have come out of your vagina, okay? Wait, unless, I guess, no, no! Wait, no, I stand by that I mean, best friends are supposed to drink together, okay? Not drink from your nipple I mean, unless they're gonna, no, no

No, no, I stand by that too Get it together, Mom Hire babysitter, comb your hair, change your sweatpants, go out for a night Your life ain't over Cut the crap, just like– ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt) What up, t-shirt reference on my ta-tas? Number seven, Mom

When you get old and realize that you have no friends, you come to the realization that there's been one person that has had your back since day one, okay, who loved you and accepted you for the idiot you are, and loved you unconditionally, sometimes, most of the time, some, occasionally unconditionally and so you'll start saying things like, "My mom is my best friend" Oh, does that mean you'll never lie to her? My mom is my good friend Does that mean you'll finally accept her friend request on Facebook? My mom is my acquaintance Does that mean you'll let her use your phone unsupervised? My mom is a friend of a friend Doesn't she have dragons? My mom is Khaleesi, just like, duh, duh, duh, duh, wait no, why am I doing that? Why am I doing that? I have the sound effect

I forgot, sorry, one second Okay, that's my butt crack I'll just do that joke again Everybody ready? My mom is Khaleesi ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt) What up t-shirt reference? Ah, I love that post production

Oh, I think that last one slit my bra strap, you know what I mean? Yes, no bra Free the nipple! Wait, what is this video about? (drum beating) (electronic sparkling) (bubble popping) – Yo, I hope you enjoyed that video If you did, you got to let me know How? Click the thumbs up button, that's how I know If you like, you can pre-order my book called, How to Be a Bawse, link is in the description

There's also a little box over there You can click it, works on your phone It will redirect you Yo, pre-order my book 'cause I worked really hard on it and stuff and if you don't– ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt)

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