10 Stages of Being on a Diet

– So, what's up, for the next 10 minutes you will have no problems, okay, just laugh with me (horse galloping) (twinkling) (whooshes) What up, everyone, it's your girl Superwoman and I'm good at a lot of things, grammar, math, but I'm not good at being a consistently fit person 'cause I'm fit for like 10 out of the 365 days in the year which is like 40%, I mean, to be fair, it's much gooder than zero percent but not great and usually during these 10 days I'm on a diet

Let me b-b-break it down for you The 10 stages of diet grief, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Stage one, this is an L Stage one, conception Now I like to pretend like my guilt is a cup inside of me that is slowly filling and I can ignore it for a really long time but eventually it will start overflowing and the tipping point usually looks a little something like this

("New Rules" by Dua Lipa) ♪ New rules, I count 'em ♪ ♪ I got new rules, I count 'em ♪ ♪ I gotta count them for myself ♪ – Oh, you know what, starting right now I'm a be just like her Starting right now AKA seeing a hot person and realizing that hot person is not me does not make me feel good and in that moment I am convinced that, yo, it's probably pretty easy to be like that person which leads me to stage two, preparation So I've decided to go on a diet, do I take baby steps, do I ease myself in, nope! I'm a hit this diet with a bang like I'm some sort of person with strong self control, which is false, grocery shopping like (playful music) (sighs) Like, hoe, you know that carton of spinach is gonna expire 90 seconds after you put it in the fridge, who you playin'? Just buying clothes that I know are too small for me because they're fitspiration, like, yo, they don't fit me yet but they will in the near future

Hi, I'll take these eight crop tops – [Cashier] Okay, this one is a kids size? – Perfect, oh, and I'll take these booty shorts too And to be clear, I'm not talking about like a healthy or rational diet, no, no, no, count on me to make the worst choices (playful music) (sighs) This diet sounds so easy – It says you can only eat raw onions

– Okay but it says I can eat all the raw onions I want I'll literally never be hungry (sighs) To be fair, if it's in a book, it's true and magazines are just shiny books Stage three, broadcast! What's the point of being on a diet if you don't tell everyone about it? (background chatter) (upbeat music) – Yum, dig in – (sighs) Sorry I can't, (lowered audio) I'm on a diet

– [Director] Sound? – Um, my bad – I said sorry I can't, I'm on a diet I mean, if you don't tweet about being on a diet, will you even lose any calories? So you start your diet like some sort of brave, courageous person, you're basically a warrior, okay, a warrior, (stammering) a warrior, that will hit stage four very, very quickly Stage four, denial Now in the beginning stages of a diet, you willpower is like a hunnit, like, yo, it has been 30 minutes and this is chill as F, this is gonna be so easy, this is a walk in the park, this diet, and not even like a cringe park, like a really nice pleasant clean park with zero pervy uncles, I'm in pervy uncle free clean park

Except you're lying, this is actually horrible, it's not clean at all, it's very dangerous and, look, there's a pervy uncle there, a pervy uncle there, what am I talking about again? Oh, yeah, you're hungry but you're, but you're, but you're in denial, what, go to the skit (playful music) – Want some? – Oh, is it made of pure raw onions and or pure fried air? – No – Then no, I don't want to taint my cleanse system Besides I don't even miss ice cream Onions are my ice cream now

– Uh-huh (phone buzzing) – Oh, sorry I gotta take this (clicks) Hello? Yeah, this is she, sorry Which leads to stage five, temper

Eventually your diet will start to crush your spirits and soul It's kinda like being possessed Actually, you know what, no, it's worse than being possessed Now you're possessed and hungry, yeah, at least Emily Rose got to eat like spiders or humans or whatever the F As a result you'll probably get judgmental and slightly angry

– Dude, you okay? (playful music) – No, my iPod isn't working – Oh my god, you're losing your mind, just eat some damn food – Never! You're just jealous, okay, because your skin doesn't look as fresh and sexy as mine Oh yeah my body is a temple I can't be like you eating that filth

– Your breath smells terrible – Your breath smells like calories! (yells) Oh, what's that, sounds like stage six, envy Right about now, you are hating yourself for making this stupid decision Like why the F would you voluntarily give up delicious food, are you stupid? And so you become jealous of everyone else who is still happy that makes happy choices and jealousy brings out the worst and the creepiest in people Do you mind if I like watch you eat that burger? – Uh, sure

– Really? Okay, let me just play some music, hold on (upbeat jazz music) Do you mind if I smell your hand? – I'd rather you not, I– – (sniffs) Oh, sweet baby Jesus, that double cheese– – Please stop – Will you burp into this jar? – Bye – Please, please! Or whatever, for the sake of my pride I'm just gonna fast forward through stages seven to nine No, no, I want it! (upbeat music) Until you finally arrive at stage 10, the cracking point

– Oh, wow, you look great The onions really do work – Oh, nah, girl, I stopped that diet Yeah, I was too hungry, I'm just gonna make better choices from now on – I'm glad

– Yeah – Oh, you dropped something (sinister music) What the F– – So, yo, AKA, don't do this to yourself Be happy, be healthy, make smart choices Love you, go to the end cut, get out of here

Get, get out, get, get, get, get, get out of here (booms) Yo, if you liked that video, give it a big thumbs up and check out my last videos right over there like honestly you just watched this one, you might as well watch another one, what are you doing, second vlog channel's right over there If you've never seen it before, give it a chance and make sure you subscribe because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday and I really want you to be here or else this would be pointless, so yeah, one love Superwoman that is wrap and zoop

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